April 17th, 2006

Unspeakable Shrubbery

On Ill Timed Screwups

"Are we really going to go down in history as the guys who killed Easter?"

"Settle down Eddie. We survived last year, we can do it again this year."

"Frank, how many kids did I kill? Really? I mean, a lot right? We are above the fold."

"Eddie, you are blowing this out of proportion. The important thing is that we killed the people who needed killing. It is not my fault that you can't add."

"Frank, there were no commas on that chemical order. How was I supposed to know we got the goods for 1000 poisoned egg-dyeing tablets instead of 100?"

"Hmm, there is no entry for common sense in Wikipedia, I'm afraid I can't help you."

"I'm serious Frank. Kids are going to be scared to color eggs for years because of this shit!"

"Well, see, that I do blame you for. Nobody said that you had to go PACKAGE the extra nine-hundred odd caplets after you brewed them."

"Yeah, well, those overseas order places, they make it cheaper the more you order of something..."

"Wow, you really do suck at math. Why are you so bent anyway? We've done way worse than this."

"I can't tell you."

"Can't, or won't?"

"Look, lets just say I have a real soft spot for Peeps, O.K.?"

"The marshmallow things? So what? what does that have to do with the body count? You poisoned egg coloring kits, not marshmallow candy."


"Oh, are you worried that the Easter industry is going to suffer? I wouldn't worry. Ever since these folks started worshiping fertility symbols, they have been pimping sugar and chocolate to make it attractive. I doubt Peeps are going anywhere."


"Why are you making that face? That is not a good face."

"Y'know how Tony Two Fingers says it is always important to have a backup plan?"

"Eddie, are you telling me you took advice from someone who forgot the wiring on a bomb he built?"


"And, can I further postulate from your tone that this 'backup plan' of yours may have had something to do with sugar-coated marshmallow confections?"


"I see. Did you apply your judicious grasp of the tender art of mathematics to this leg of your scheme as well?"


"What is the number Eddie?"

"Look, the chemical depot was having a great sale on some slow-acting substance combinations. Most of the problems won't show up until three days after ingestion. Maybe that will give someone enough time to figure out what is going on..."

"How many goddammit?!"

"Lets just chalk it up to me getting a lot of coal around Christmas time."

"I am taking away your Gold Card privileges. No more chemical orders without running it past me first."

"I figured that would happen."

"Yeah, well, figure this. Your average lump of coal is about 1.3 ounces. Assuming one lump per poisoned Peep, how many metric tons of coal will you be getting in December?"

"Man, I am gonna need to rent a warehouse."

"Yeah. I'd say we are going down for killing Easter. Nice work. I'll remember not to buy the Wednesday paper."

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