July 24th, 2006

Big Head

On The Road Again

"Hey Frank?"

"Yeah. what?"

"What do you mean, 'Yeah, what'?!"

"I mean what?"

"I don't think I've ever started a conversation with a question where you didn't snap at me."

"You are complaining now about his courtesy? Is this what I am hearing? Are you being discourteous about his courtesy? Is that what you are doing? I can't believe my ears! Frank, tell me I am wrong about what I am hearing here."

"Tommy, look I..."

"I think so. Maybe. What was the question? Frank, was he talking to you or me?"

"Shut up Eddie. Tommy, look, I am sure that is not what Eddie meant with his comment. The man is just used to more lip from me. He doesn't mean anything by it."

"Yeah. No, wait. Huh?"

"Frank, when you told me you worked with a total idiot, I was under the assumption that referred to the use of firearms and explosives. I can accept incompetence with deadly but mundane things, but incompetence with the spoken word? can you think of anything deadlier?! It is a crying shame the organization has to employ such people."

"Tommy, I assure you, Eddie has other redeeming qualities that are just not evident at the moment..."

"Like what?"

"Yeah Frank, like what?"

"So now the rude idiot is a glory hog as well? Frank, is your partner so starved for attention that he needs to beg for a list of his positive assets, however short they may be? Is this what I am hearing? Poor Eddie needs a laundry list of good things to write home about?"

"Hey! Tom.. Er. Mr. De Vito, its not like that at all. I just don't think I've ever heard Frank say anything nice about me."

"So now he criticizes his partner for being to critical, and interrupts me!? Is this what I am fuckin hearing Frank? Your partner, whose company you keep, and whose ass you regularly pull from the fires started by his own hand, finds you an inadequate masseuse of his ego, and sees that as a fit reason to interrupt me?"

"That appears to be the gist of it, yeah Tommy."

"Frank, I thought you were going to say something good about me, or something."

"Frank, my cousin, my blood. Why do you suffer the ingratitude of this lout? You should wash your hands of him entirely. I know of an excellent tomato patch which is in need of fertilizer, if you catch my drift."

"Tommy, I don't think that is necessary."

"Frank, did you just refuse my offer? Is that what I am hearing? Did I, a made man, offer to you, the opportunity to remove a burden from your shoulders, in cold blood no less, and you refused me? Why not just spit on me Frank. Is that what you are saying? That I am worthless? That you are good enough to spit on me? Is that what you are suggesting, Frank?"

"No."

"Holy shit Frank. Holy shit. What the fuck? He was a made man. A made man Frank! And he was your cousin! What the motherfuck?!"

"He talked too fucking much Eddie. If nothing else, take a lesson."

"O.K. Gotcha. People who talk too much should be plugged at point blank with a beretta?"

"Yeah, sure Eddie, that is what you should learn from all this. Get his feet would ya? We gotta get him to his mom's place before sunup."

"Why?"

"Because she is putting in her tomato plants tomorrow, so she probably tilled her patch over the weekend."

"Oh, I see. We can use the tiller to mangle the body, and make it look like a farming accident?"

"Eddie, just stop talking, while you are still ahead."

"O.K. Frank. Could you answer one question for me first though?"

"Sure Eddie, but only if it ensures me an hour or two of silence."

"Yeah, sure. What I wanted to know was, who wrote that song "On the Road Again"? Was it Willie Nelson or Lou Diamond Phillips?"

"Eddie, are you telling me that I just iced my cousin over an argument that started because you didn't know the difference between a country western star and a Latino B actor?"

"Frank, that is so racist! Lou Diamond Phillips is Asian, not Latino."

"Eddie, this conversation is over. Go get the car."