The Son of the last of a long line of thinkers. (delascabezas) wrote in frankandeddie,
The Son of the last of a long line of thinkers.
delascabezas
frankandeddie

On Incumbant Elections

“Frank, m’man - how are things? Hows the kid?”

“Eddie, I do not have a kid. I have a white German Shepherd. His name is Ralph. He is fine.”

“Oh, right, dog. I guess that diaper-and-baby-wipe care package I sent didn’t make a lot of sense then, huh?”

“Ah. I wondered where that came from, but never dreamed it was you. I donated it to a local orphanage. Why are you calling?”

“Jeez, right to the bone huh? What happened to the old chew the fat and catch up part of the phone call?”

“My knowledge and care for that particular subset of conversation ended approximately four years ago, when you wandered out of the apartment with a jury rigged explosive, promised to return with ice cream and payment, and did not return.”

“Right, so about that...”

“And, three days later, when our intended quarry signed into law the very bill our employers were paying us to prevent with implicit direct action...”

“Would you hang on and gimme a....”

“I had to leave town Eddie. I have been living in a rented trailer in Wichita, working as a Wal-Mart greeter for over three years. What exactly the blue fuck have you been doing all this time, hmm?”

“Working. For the Obama administration.... Frank? Frank, are you still there?”

“I am. Could you explain more?”

“Right! So, when I left to go blow up whatshisface, I got stopped by the NYPD getting on the subway.”

“O.K.”

“It was that stop-and-frisk thing. Anyway, they found the package, and were gonna slam me, but I made something up about being with DHL, and they held off a second.”

“Eddie, the migraine I have not felt in years is coming back all of the sudden - I assume you mean DHS?”

“Yeah, but I didn’t know that then. So, I basically got the dumbest cop in history. They assumed I was a Fed, and the package was a test. I told them they were going to get high marks for thoroughness and shit, and then one of them pulled me aside.”

“Let me guess. He was a real DHS agent?”

“Yeah, and he thought I was his supervisor or something - he started asking me all these questions about his review, and getting a transfer and shit...”

“Wait, let me guess, you Don Drapered him?”

“I dunno who that is - do you mean Dumbo Don, from Arthur Ave.?”

“Eddie, I can’t even... Yes, sure. That is who I mean - the guy who assumed the identity of a ranked officer in the wake of his death.”

“Wow, a wake seems like kinda a dangerous place to do that.”

“I... You...”

“Right, so anyway, I’ve spent like two years as an undercover DHS guy, making a ton of dirty cash on the side working with the NYPD.”

“What have you been doing for the last year?”

“Well, so I got hired as a contractor when my DHS contract thinger expired.”

“Do I want to know by whom?”

“Well, that depends - I don’t think you are on the Facebook, are you Frank? Because I looked, and I didn’t find you there.”

“No Eddie, as someone wanted murderer in multiple countries, and generally known as a Mafia traitor and Yakuza killer, I try to keep a low profile on the social networking sites.”

“Right, well, then you’ve probably never heard of this thing called Zynga, right?”

“That sounds a lot like something Dumbo Don would have said right after telling a bad joke...”

“Yeah, you’re right! Seriously though, it is a company that makes web game stuff.”

“Web games?”

“Yeah, on the Facebook. People pay tons of money to play games.”

“Is this online gambling?”

“No, stupid stuff - like pretending to be a dragon or a vampire... Or a gangster.”

“And people pay real money to.. Oh wait. Oh god. Did you say gangster?”

“Yeah, like, a lot of money though Frank - you’d be amazed what people will spend on fake money with real money...”

“Eddie, have you been capitalizing on the details of our prior engagements?”

“No! I wouldn’t do that to you Frank. I’ve just been writing stories for these Zynga guys, who hired me as an expert in terrorism and organized crime, because of my time with DHS.”

“Eddie...”

“So like, they had this big EPO thing, before Christmas I think? I made a lot of money, and they want to give me _more_ money for writing more stuff for one of their games...”

“Let me guess, you are out of ideas.”

“Right, so, like, I figured I’d reach out to some of my old peeps, and see if they wanted to get the band back together, y’know? Mostly because I feel like I owe you some of all this money, but also because writing is kind of boring compared to the old craft. I figure I can bankroll the whole operation, so it will be a lot of fun.”

“Eddie, how much money are we talking about here?”

“Well, remember when we found that mule the Guatemalans had smuggling horse in hollow gold bullion that was surgically implanted?”

“Yeah, she must have weighed over six hundred pounds...”

“Triple that score, and add two zeroes.”

...

“Hello Frank? Something happened with the connection.”

“Eddie, are you telling me that, without my guidance, and through a series of hijinks that would make Dickens blush, you are not just a self-made millionaire, but so high up that ladder, that if you make much more money, you won’t be a millionaire anymore?”

“Something like that.”

“And are you further telling me that the reason I am hearing from you in almost a president is because you want to go back to the old job you had before you started the road to riches, and you are asking me to join you in that old profession?”

“Well, so I can make more riches Frank, and so I can cut you in on it.”

“Eddie, this is all coming at me pretty fast. I don’t suppose that...”

“Duck Frank!”

...

“Eddie, why did someone just shoot through my trailer with what appears to be a high-caliber firearm? Further, how did you know to tell me how and when to avoid said discharge?”

“Oh, that was me Frank. I was just letting you know that I wasn’t asking. I was more telling you that the stealth helicopter I am in is going to land and pick you up so we can go do a job, or I am going to kill you.”

“Ah. I see. Well, if that is the case then guess, well I... I accept Eddie. I must say though, time has changed you, or perhaps the money. I’m not sure which, but I am not sure I am entirely comfortable with the change...”

“Funny, that is the same punchline I used in that joke about the Obama administration and the Real Estate markets! I’ll be down to pick you up in two. I don’t know how much you have in the way of personal effects in your little shitbox down there, but pack them up - you are getting torched out to cover your exit.”

“Right. I assume there is room for Ralph on your helicopter.”

“Sure thing, once I toss this car seat out the window. Oh, and Frank?”

“Yes Eddie?”

“I missed ya man. See you in a minute.”
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