On the Multicultural Rainbow

"Frank, if we go through with this, who is going to deliver our chicken and broccoli?"

"Eddie, that has to be the most racist thing I have ever heard you say. This dude is a banker, not a freaking delivery guy!"

"Oh. Well he has the same name as our delivery guy."

"How in the blue hell would you know? All we have for this job is this address, his work hours, a description, and his business card, which is in bloody Chinese!"

"Actually Frank, that is Mandarin. And his name is the same one signed on our food bills with a thank you and a smiley face. Do these tubes go inside or out?"

"Out. Eddie, if you tell me that you can barely read English, but somehow know how to read Mandarin, I may have to kill you. Just a fair warning."

"What gives Frank? Why the attitude? Big gaskets or small ones?"

"Small ones. No attitude, I just want to know how you know the difference between Chinese and Mandarin?"

"Actually it is Cantonese or Mandarin. There are actually several other..."

"No! Around the handle, not through it. Why the fuck do you know all this again?"

"So I know some Mandarin, cut me some slack."

"No, I will not cut any slack. Explain yourself. And be sure to keep that end out of the goddamn fountain, O.K.?"

"Yeah, O.K. When I was a kid, my ma hired this lady to help out around the house. She was, well, you know, Chinese."

"So she taught you how to read it?"

"No, her son was about my age. We ended up bein pals. Good old Lu Kang. He taught me some of his talk, and I taught him some of ours."

"Eddie, shut your mouth. Putting our vocabularies on the same page hurts my head."

"Hey man, was just trying to tell you about Lu Kang!"

"O.K. Now I know you are bullshitting me. Wasn't Lu Kang the Bruce Lee ripoff character from Street Fighter or something?"

"No. That was Liu Kang,"

"Eddie, I know the guys name. Would you stop arguing with me and tighten down that bolt please?"

"I'm not arguing! I'm right! Clockwise or counterclockwise?"

"Which way do you think? I...No... Clockwise. Great, so you can read Mandarin, and somehow you know this guy has the same name as our delivery guy. I can promise you though, it is NOT our delivery guy. Do you think we would be doing all this crap if it was?"

"Yeah, probably not. We could just order food then peg him when he showed up."

"Right. Instead we are mounting a freakin high-powered water cannon on top of a public fountain posing as repair guys."

"I still dunno if this is going to work man."

"Eddie, your lack of faith is painful. Of course it will work."

"I still don't get how a water cannon is supposed to kill someone."

"Yeah, that would be hard to pull off. That is why we'll be using acid."

"What?! Where did you get enough acid to do that? And why didn't you tell me about it?"

"Because if I had, the vehicle would probably be a slag heap by now. Now shut up and help me aim this thing. A little left. Now up. Good."

"So what kind of acid is it?"

"The kind they use to remove barnacles from ship hulls. There is a barrel of it in the trunk."


"Yeah, there shouldn't be much left of him but a pile of stinking bones. If that."


"What did you say?"

"I said 'What practicality!'. The whole rig should melt down after it kills the dude!"

"Yeah, that is the idea. So, wiseguy, what is this guy's name?"

"Noob Saibot."

"Huh. That doesn't sound very Chinese to me."

"Yeah well, you probably all think they are the same anyway, huh?"

"I don't really care man, as long as I get my egg rolls."

"Yeah, and I'm the racist."

"Just shut up and get the remote rigged. I want to finish this! Why are you laughing?"

"No reason. Lets go."


Big Head

On The Road Again

"Hey Frank?"

"Yeah. what?"

"What do you mean, 'Yeah, what'?!"

"I mean what?"

"I don't think I've ever started a conversation with a question where you didn't snap at me."

"You are complaining now about his courtesy? Is this what I am hearing? Are you being discourteous about his courtesy? Is that what you are doing? I can't believe my ears! Frank, tell me I am wrong about what I am hearing here."

"Tommy, look I..."

"I think so. Maybe. What was the question? Frank, was he talking to you or me?"

"Shut up Eddie. Tommy, look, I am sure that is not what Eddie meant with his comment. The man is just used to more lip from me. He doesn't mean anything by it."

"Yeah. No, wait. Huh?"

"Frank, when you told me you worked with a total idiot, I was under the assumption that referred to the use of firearms and explosives. I can accept incompetence with deadly but mundane things, but incompetence with the spoken word? can you think of anything deadlier?! It is a crying shame the organization has to employ such people."

"Tommy, I assure you, Eddie has other redeeming qualities that are just not evident at the moment..."

"Like what?"

"Yeah Frank, like what?"

"So now the rude idiot is a glory hog as well? Frank, is your partner so starved for attention that he needs to beg for a list of his positive assets, however short they may be? Is this what I am hearing? Poor Eddie needs a laundry list of good things to write home about?"

"Hey! Tom.. Er. Mr. De Vito, its not like that at all. I just don't think I've ever heard Frank say anything nice about me."

"So now he criticizes his partner for being to critical, and interrupts me!? Is this what I am fuckin hearing Frank? Your partner, whose company you keep, and whose ass you regularly pull from the fires started by his own hand, finds you an inadequate masseuse of his ego, and sees that as a fit reason to interrupt me?"

"That appears to be the gist of it, yeah Tommy."

"Frank, I thought you were going to say something good about me, or something."

"Frank, my cousin, my blood. Why do you suffer the ingratitude of this lout? You should wash your hands of him entirely. I know of an excellent tomato patch which is in need of fertilizer, if you catch my drift."

"Tommy, I don't think that is necessary."

"Frank, did you just refuse my offer? Is that what I am hearing? Did I, a made man, offer to you, the opportunity to remove a burden from your shoulders, in cold blood no less, and you refused me? Why not just spit on me Frank. Is that what you are saying? That I am worthless? That you are good enough to spit on me? Is that what you are suggesting, Frank?"


"Holy shit Frank. Holy shit. What the fuck? He was a made man. A made man Frank! And he was your cousin! What the motherfuck?!"

"He talked too fucking much Eddie. If nothing else, take a lesson."

"O.K. Gotcha. People who talk too much should be plugged at point blank with a beretta?"

"Yeah, sure Eddie, that is what you should learn from all this. Get his feet would ya? We gotta get him to his mom's place before sunup."


"Because she is putting in her tomato plants tomorrow, so she probably tilled her patch over the weekend."

"Oh, I see. We can use the tiller to mangle the body, and make it look like a farming accident?"

"Eddie, just stop talking, while you are still ahead."

"O.K. Frank. Could you answer one question for me first though?"

"Sure Eddie, but only if it ensures me an hour or two of silence."

"Yeah, sure. What I wanted to know was, who wrote that song "On the Road Again"? Was it Willie Nelson or Lou Diamond Phillips?"

"Eddie, are you telling me that I just iced my cousin over an argument that started because you didn't know the difference between a country western star and a Latino B actor?"

"Frank, that is so racist! Lou Diamond Phillips is Asian, not Latino."

"Eddie, this conversation is over. Go get the car."


On Finding Good Help

"Hand me the want-ads would you?"

"Sure Frank, as sure as I am done with the comics."

"Eddie, they are in totally different sections."

"Oh, what are these things with all the codes them then? I thought that was what people wanted."

"Eddie, those are personals, not want ads."

"I dunno man, they seem to use that word quite often... Hey! No need to be grabby!"
"Whatever. Huh. Fuck."

"What are you looking in there for anyway?"

"Well, apparently the waste of a couple hundred bucks."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I put an ad in for an assistant, y'know, to help with the paperwork and make coffee and shit."

"You don't like my coffee Frank?"

"Eddie, I have considered using your coffee on a job, given its potential for lethal interaction."

"Coffee is supposed to be dark! Why haven't you ever mentioned this before?"

"I have, every time I ask you to clean out the coffeemaker."

"Oh, yeah. That is such a waste. It is much easier to keep adding coffee until the basket thing is full, then you only need to clean it like once a week."

"I rest my case."

"So what, there are no assistants out there who make coffee anymore?"

"There may be, but it looks like I will not find out this week. They printed an ad for an Ass Istant."

"What the hell is an istant?"

"I don't think there is any such thing, aside from a common typo for "instant"."

"Great, so you put in an add looking to pay for an ass instant?"

"Looks that way, yep."

"You should have put the ad in by that section near the comics. I bet you'd have lots of responses by now."

  • Current Location
Steam Escaping!

On Playing the Market

"Just take it! I am tired of taking cabs."

"No way man, that is blood money!"

"Eddie, we are hit men, everything we get paid is blood money."

"Oh yeah. Well, this is different. I want no part of it."

"Oh, but you do. Think of the shiny leather interior all this dough could buy."


"Maybe a town car, with a nice big trunk."

"They use too much gas."

"Fine, get a hybrid or something then, I don't care."

"I still say this is wrong on a lot of levels."

"Look, playing an inside line on the market is like getting a hot tip at the track."

"You don't go to Federal prison for track tips."

"Well, I guess you could if you got enough of them, but I see your point. Nobody has been able to pin the roots back to us, which suggests to me that despite your proclivity to fuck up, your lucky steak came through for you this time."

"Is this everything you made?"

"No, I had to buy some new stuff, including a bag, after that super glue thing."

"Right, sorry about that."

"Never you mind. Just get us some new wheels."

"I still can't believe Just Born is a publicly traded company."

"Yeah well, this ain't the first time we made profit off of someone's tears. Get shopping dammit!"

  • Current Location
Unspeakable Shrubbery

On Ill Timed Screwups

"Are we really going to go down in history as the guys who killed Easter?"

"Settle down Eddie. We survived last year, we can do it again this year."

"Frank, how many kids did I kill? Really? I mean, a lot right? We are above the fold."

"Eddie, you are blowing this out of proportion. The important thing is that we killed the people who needed killing. It is not my fault that you can't add."

"Frank, there were no commas on that chemical order. How was I supposed to know we got the goods for 1000 poisoned egg-dyeing tablets instead of 100?"

"Hmm, there is no entry for common sense in Wikipedia, I'm afraid I can't help you."

"I'm serious Frank. Kids are going to be scared to color eggs for years because of this shit!"

"Well, see, that I do blame you for. Nobody said that you had to go PACKAGE the extra nine-hundred odd caplets after you brewed them."

"Yeah, well, those overseas order places, they make it cheaper the more you order of something..."

"Wow, you really do suck at math. Why are you so bent anyway? We've done way worse than this."

"I can't tell you."

"Can't, or won't?"

"Look, lets just say I have a real soft spot for Peeps, O.K.?"

"The marshmallow things? So what? what does that have to do with the body count? You poisoned egg coloring kits, not marshmallow candy."


"Oh, are you worried that the Easter industry is going to suffer? I wouldn't worry. Ever since these folks started worshiping fertility symbols, they have been pimping sugar and chocolate to make it attractive. I doubt Peeps are going anywhere."


"Why are you making that face? That is not a good face."

"Y'know how Tony Two Fingers says it is always important to have a backup plan?"

"Eddie, are you telling me you took advice from someone who forgot the wiring on a bomb he built?"


"And, can I further postulate from your tone that this 'backup plan' of yours may have had something to do with sugar-coated marshmallow confections?"


"I see. Did you apply your judicious grasp of the tender art of mathematics to this leg of your scheme as well?"


"What is the number Eddie?"

"Look, the chemical depot was having a great sale on some slow-acting substance combinations. Most of the problems won't show up until three days after ingestion. Maybe that will give someone enough time to figure out what is going on..."

"How many goddammit?!"

"Lets just chalk it up to me getting a lot of coal around Christmas time."

"I am taking away your Gold Card privileges. No more chemical orders without running it past me first."

"I figured that would happen."

"Yeah, well, figure this. Your average lump of coal is about 1.3 ounces. Assuming one lump per poisoned Peep, how many metric tons of coal will you be getting in December?"

"Man, I am gonna need to rent a warehouse."

"Yeah. I'd say we are going down for killing Easter. Nice work. I'll remember not to buy the Wednesday paper."

  • Current Location
Steam Escaping!

On Jealousy

"So how was your date last night?"

"Sweet fuck Eddie. Don't sneak up on someone when they are setting blasting caps."

"Yeah, whatever, you have yet to blow us up."

"No thanks to you. Lemme finish this, then..."

"Is that how it is? Fine. Where is the roster? I want to get a jump on work tonight."

"Holy shit! You are being proactive? Which alien race to I have to thank for abducting you and scrambling your brain?"

"The Harlots from Planet Amateur Night. Are these red wire hot or black wire hot?"

"Ah, the side job. Green is hot. Red is a back loop. Black is bluff. No roster tonight. Cleanup."

"Why do you always change the wires?"

"So you always have to ask. Harlots from Planet Ametour Night, huh? That sounds like some awful movie someone would review on the internet. So who told you?"

"It doesn't matter Frank. You should have. When was the last time you took me to a hockey game?"

"Three weeks ago."

"Oh. I mean before that."


"Oh. We do see a lot of hockey huh?"

"No better fighting in sports. And I include boxing."

"Frank, it was all over the papers! The Post even has a nickname for you two."

"Eddie, the Post has a nickname for anything they can throw an ampersand into, and a bunch of things they can't."

"That is not the point Frank. We've been doing this for a long time, and we've never ended up in the paper together."

"Jesus fuck Eddie. It was a favor, O.K. Apparently she impressed Macaroni Maroncino, and all she wanted as a reward was to do was go on a hit."

"So you took her."

"Do you think, for one second, that I desired that responsibility?"

"Why didn't you tell me then? Why did I have to read about it in the paper like everyone else?!"

"Look man, think back over, say, the last year. How many colossal fuckups have we had?"

"A lot."

"And aside from a few Vatican rags, how many times have we ended up in the paper?"


"Before you sprain something, I'll answer for you. None."

"But this is good exposure! Think of what it can do for your career! Think of what it could have done for mine, if I had been there.”

“First off, it is not a career. Second, exposure is exactly what I do not want in this line of work. Thirdly, they only got a good snap of her, not me, which is probably the only reason I am still on the roster. Last, we probably would have fucked up in a totally different direction if you had been there, and the photo op may not have been possible.”

“Oh. Why not?”

“Because you fucking hate beef hotdogs right?”

“Right. Yeah. I’m sorry man, I think I’ve just been watching too much ‘Project Runway’ lately. The whole star-struck thing, y’know?”

“Instead of watching some shitass reality TV, you should be out there getting us a car.”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m waiting for my tax return.”

“Aw Christ. We still have to do our itemization for the accountants.”

“We have until April, right?”

“Yeah, but we can’t file for an extension. Remember how long it took us last year? We gotta get on it.”


“After we leave these unattended bags all over, and plant this animatronic infant bomb at the precinct evidence locker.”

“Why are we doing this again? Who are we cleaning up for?”

“Remember the hockey game?”


“She wasn’t wearing gloves.”

“So? Oh.”

“Yeah. Rookies. Nothing a baby boom can’t handle though.”

“Unless it is Medicare or Social Security reform.”

“What did I tell you? No politics!”

“O.K. O.K. Sorry. I couldn’t help myself.”

“Well, then help me. This stroller weighs a ton.”

“Hey Frank?”

“What Eddie?”

“Do you think people on the train with think we are a gay couple that adopted?”

“I hope not. I am trying to avoid any bloodbaths until we deliver the baby.”

“O.K. Hold up a minute, I am going to change my socks.”

"Your socks? What the fuck?"

"If we have matching socks, someone will definteily think we are a gay couple."

"Motherfucker! Those are MY socks! What the hell are you doing with them?"

"My last pair was covered in honey and ants, so I borrowed some when I crashed at your place."

"Eddie, that was like four days ago."

"I said my last pair, did I not?"

"Jesus man. Fuck the car. Go get yourself some clothes."

"I will, once I get my tax return."

Steam Escaping!

On The Art of Ruining Lunch

"Eddie, you think this is deep enough?"


"O.K. Can you help me roll the body in. Oh, O.K. You are busy. I'll just..."

"Don't strain yourself Frank."

"Excuse me Mr. Brains! Hey, Why the fuck are you reading the paper anyway?"

"Frank, don't you know it is rude to interrupt people when they are reading?"

"Eddie, it scares me when you read. What the fuck are you doing? You should be helping me bury this guy."

"Looking for a new computer."

"Oh. Hey, too bad you can't look online, huh? Hand me the honey."

"Shutup dumbfuck."

"Wow, why are you such a sourpuss? Thanks."

"Look, I got kicked out of my guild because I can't get online."

"Oh, right, that morgue game thing. You think three bears is enough?"

"Don't belittle my pasttimes just because you don't understand them Frank. I made friends through that game. I connected with people. Three bears should be plenty. The ants should clean it all up in a couple days."

"Eddie, what did you do in that game?"


"I mean, what did you spend your time doing? Dammit, I got some honey on my pantsleg. Gimme the Raid!"

"No! No Raid! Just brush them off. Raid, heh, that's funny. I spent most of my time killing stuff."

"Right. O.K. Why did you kill stuff?"

"To get money."

"I wish I had a tape recorcer. Fuck, these things are all over the place. Lets get outta here. Hand me the shovel."

"Here. Wait, why do you want a tape recorder?"

"Because you are telling me you made meaningful connections through an online game as a virtual hit man. I want to record this moment in stupidity for all posterity."

"Well, no. I mean.... Everyone... You... You don't understand."

"Nah, I think I do. C'mon, lets get some burgers."

"Ooh. Burgers sound good. Can we swing by Circut City on the way back?"

"Sure man, if it makes you feel better. I don't think this guy is going anywhere anytime soon."

"Those ants are gonna eat well this week. Hey, speaking of, I had this crazy dream last night..."

"No. No dreams. Your dreams are not acceptable pre-meal conversations."

"Seriously Frank. Just one?"

"Fine. Just move it huh, I want to get the burgers before all the kids get out of school."

"Do you think if you made a brains and Guiness float that the brains would float or sink?"

"Eddie, what the fuck is wrong with you?"


"Who would possibly want a brains and Guiness float?"

"Oh. A zombie I guess. They were on the menu in this dream I was having. I remember asking the waiter about it, but I woke up before I got an answer. "

"That is so fucking..."

"I think they would float because Guiness is so heavy. You could order it 'a pint with a head and brains'."

"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I hate you. Lets go to Circut City."

"I thought we were getting burgers."

"Yeah, so did I before I agreed to listen to your stupid dreams."


Steam Escaping!

On the Zen of Procrastination

"Hey man, why have things been so quiet lately?"

"I'm not complaining. Gives me a chance to catch up on some hobbies."

"Frank, you have hobbies?"

"Yeah, so?"

"That don't involve killing someone?!"

"I should have known that trying to have a grownup conversation would be too much for you."

"Shit man, like what?"

"Look, nevermind."

"No, seriously, I want to know."

"Look, seriously, you blew your chance. Lets get these gas-filled balloons stapled so we can get the hell out of here."

"I still say the little robots will come clean it all up when we are done."

"For the last time Eddie, this isin't a fucking movie. Get a move on, or I might accidentally throw one of these."

"These are hard times Frank, when a hit man has to stoop to arson."

"Beats doing the fucking tax prep sheets. I don't even want to know what those will be like this year."

"Yeah, Skinny Ed was telling me that accounting got outsourced after last year."

"Motherfuck! To where?"

"India I think."

"Great, so now it will be even worse."

"The only sure things in life are tandoori and taxes."

"You are so lucky we are out of balloons."

Steam Escaping!

On the Sound of One Hand Clapping

"Man, I never thought laryngitis would be a good thing. Go fig, it had to happen to someone else for it to be good."

"Hey, don't look at me like that. I'm not the one who fell into the river haulin a corpse in concrete shoes."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever Harpo. That bouy came outta nowhere. Get over here and help with the lumber. None of that mime shit, just haul the wood, O.K.?"

"Listen, you are seriosuly lucky that all that happened to you was a freakin chest cold man, I'd be afraid that my pee would glow in the dark for life after a dip in the river."

"Even in silence, the bird speaks wonders. Where the hell is the goddamn nail gun?"

"Your flagrant hand gestures are not moving the wood any more rapidly. We gotta get this guy boxed up before he starts to decompose. Ah, here it is!"

"Holy FUCK man. Jesus. I'm sorry! Are you O.K.? What were you thinking turning on the air pressure before I flipped the safety?!"

"Look, just because you can't talk, that doesn't excuse stupid. Looks like you are gonna have to sit out that dance contest Mr. Swayze. Go tie that up before you get any more blood on the carpet."

"Yeah, yeah, fuck you too Eddie."

Steam Escaping!

On Sensible Lyrics

"I can't believe you are doing this Frank."

"Look man, you are the one who wouldn't let up! I'd rather not be doing this either, but you just wouldn't let up!"

"I still don't think it is going to work."

"Shut up and hand me the flour."

"You look ridiculous in that hat."

"You put the goddamn thing on me! If I wasn't covered in arsenic-laced dough and flour at the time, I woulda slugged you."

"I'm telling you man, pizza is too delicious to poison. Nobody will ever eat it."

"They will, I tell you."


"Besides, both of the toppings are going to be poisonous too."

"What are you using for toppings?"

"Amanita and Amazonian tree-frog."

"Dude, nobody would ever order a pizza with mushrooms on it!"

"Is that your problem with my whole plan here? I'm surprised you even knew what an amanita was."

"Yeah well, lets just say I learned the hard way. What did you put in the sauce?"

"Belladonna. Just enough to offset the garlic and basil, but enough to seize up someone's central nervous system."

"Shit man, you don't fool around."

"I was a toxicologist in another life."

"What is that? Like a waste-management guy from Jersey?"

"Shut up and hand me a tree frog. Be sure to use some fucking gloves this time, we are just about out of antidote."

"I should go E.T. on your ass and let them all go. Such a mistreatment of animals."

"Yeah, and the number of people that would die in THAT melodramatic little episode would be less harmful somehow?"

"Animals are innocent, they don't deserve to suffer in our scheming!"

"I have it from some reputable sources that a cuisinart is rather painless, providing you fit inside it."

"That is so wrong man. I can't watch."

"Dude, why does your blender have a sign on it that says 'Mr. Blender'?!"

"I'm a Spaceballs fan, O.K. You got a problem with THAT too?"

"Nope. Go get changed into your delivery boy getup."

"Man I wish I had a car."

"Don't even man, don't even."